


Paint it Black

by Thefreakoutsideyourwindow



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Minor Character Death, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-09
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-14 02:17:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7995043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thefreakoutsideyourwindow/pseuds/Thefreakoutsideyourwindow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Red is the very first thing he sees. Red where his father lies, vibrant and stunning. And Kakashi thinks that he should not be seeing this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint it Black

Red is the very first thing he sees. Red where his father lies, vibrant and stunning. And he thinks that he should not be seeing this. Thinks that such a vibrant thing should stay within. He only realises that he's shaking when his knees collapse under him, unsteady like a newborn foal. And when he pulls the cold shoulder of his father ( _corpse_ ) closer to him, he is engulfed in an all knowing black.

...

The people of the village talk.

 

It seems to be the only thing they're actually good at. Pitying murmurs of “the poor child” and how he was doing “so well, such a genius”. The week before they would have been saying quite the opposite. “Hope he doesn't grow up to be a failure like his father.” or “Can't have somebody too smart, they're dangerous.” They only care, only pity, because they think that if they do so, the same thing will not happen to them.

 

Kakashi learns what fickleness is.

 

He learns what that is when he goes for a place to sleep at night, a place that isn't still haunted by the stench of his father's dismissal. He goes to the nice man who used to give him buns for a cheaper fare, asks him if he has a spare room he can stay for the night, he won't be a bother, really. The man looks at him with a pinched expression and shakes his head, wearily, saying that they have relatives over. Kakashi looks at the five empty spare rooms over the man's shoulder and decides not to say anything.

 

He learns what this is when the shinobi who would give him extra tips on ninjutsu, would give him advice on his work at the academy, sneers at him instead of smiling. It isn't a grimace that others try to hide, as if Kakashi will tarnish their life, their honour. It isn't a pained frown that many have on their faces, wishing _so_ hard that they could do something to help, yet doing nothing when their children would throw rocks at him. Instead, the honourable shinobi sneers at him, turns her nose up at him, and Kakashi pretends to ignore the fact that she spat at his feet.

 

He learns what that is when the man who used to help with their gardens is called to be an undertaker and collect the body of the man who was once his father. Once or twice the old man struggles to fit the body into its bag. And when he fumbles on the third time and drops Sakumo's head, Kakashi goes to help in equal parts of sorrow and rage, and the man's glare pins him to the floor, as if he was angry enough that he was called to collect dirt when it was all he did the rest of his life. Kakashi allows the rage to eclipse his sorrow and watches the rest with burning eyes.

 

And then, Kakashi learns what loyalty is.

 

He learns what loyalty is when the third Hokage, pinned inside his tower with endless reports from shinobi at the soon to be war front, finally finishes enough to warrant a walk outside. And when he goes to visit Kakashi, guilt consuming him in the fact that he had not been to see him earlier, he freezes in the street. He sees children who would once be considered classmates of Kakashi's (ignoring how he graduated the academy in the span of a just few months) throwing stones and jeering at him, while Kakashi just stands there and takes it, a trickle of blood streaking down his face from a particularly vicious hit.

 

“ **ENOUGH!** ” Sarutobi Hiruzen, the third Hokage and all that comes with that, bellows. That enough makes them stop. The sound of falling stones and the look on Kakashi's face would have been comedic, were it not for the situation he finds himself in. Kakashi looks at the Hokage, as many parts startled and ashamed as in awe, as if somebody helping him was not something to expect. Sarutobi frowns at this as the remaining children scarper off. He would like to chase them down, go through morals and the like, but for now his priorities lie with Kakashi.

 

He approaches the six year old and gets down on one knee (which has surprisingly begun to ache when he does so – he figures he'll be an old coot in his own damn time, thank you very much) and places a hand on his shoulder in what he hopes will be a placating gesture. When Kakashi flinches a little at it he is equal parts disappointed in himself that he expected this, and angry at himself that he allowed it to occur for so long. Deciding a break is much in order, Sarutobi guides the boy to a more secluded place by a small brook and sits on a stone, holding the boy in his arms. And if Kakashi shakes a little, Sarutobi says nothing about it.

 

When Minato arrives back in Konoha after a long mission, he is shocked by the news. Shocked... and a little disappointed, if he is honest with himself. Disappointed that he could not see Sakumo going down this path earlier, that he could not have prevented it, and a little disappointed that Sakumo would leave his child all alone, in a house empty of a home. In the end, though, a permeating sense of grief is what takes stronghold.

 

And if Minato feels like this, he can hardly imagine how Kakashi feels, abandoned so early on. And so, as a Sensei ought to do, as a man who wishes to be a father ought to do, he visits Kakashi. But what greets him at the door surprises him (it seems many things do nowadays, but sadly none of them are pleasant). He expects to be met with a boy steeped in grief, which Kakashi is. He expects to be met with a lonely boy, which Kakashi now is, more so than ever. However, he did not expect in the slightest to meet a starving child.

 

The boy looks emaciated, standing awkwardly by the door as if he's forgotten how to hold himself. Dark splodges paint themselves underneath his sunken eyes, his once bouncy and vibrant white mop of hair is lacklustre, and his clothes hang off his skin as if they don't know what to do with themselves. Minato takes one look at Kakashi and takes him back to his place for dinner (Kushina actually being glad Kakashi was eating there). Kakashi may not spend most nights at his, but the offer to sleep, to talk, to let go, is always there. And if Kakashi starts getting food more often from Minato's place, Minato says nothing about it.

 

...

 

“I'm going to go save Rin.”

 

Those words snap Kakashi out of one stupor and into another. Obito is going to abandon the mission to go save their team mate, which they can save _later_. Because then, there will be a later for Obito, instead of a bottomless abyss of guilt and shame to swallow him up. And Kakashi has learnt that he is loyal, and loyal only to the mission. Because the mission may get you killed, but if you complete it, then you avoid the risk of doing that to yourself, when you are supposed to be safe.

 

And then Obito goes and decides to throw his life away, to save another that will shun him for it later, that would rather glare at him from the shadows than be thankful that they are alive, when their partner would rather be dead, already feeling every bit dead. And as much as Obito may annoy him, Kakashi would not wish that upon anyone. Would never wish it because of the sleepless nights where his father screamed silently, because of the way the emptiness eats at you, because of the feeling of being left behind, of suffering through what the other could no longer. And then he says,

 

“I believe that the White Fang was a true hero.”

 

And Kakashi's mind goes blank, blank, blank.

 

At some point, Obito walks off, off to save Rin, off to save their comrade instead of the mission, off to save a life instead of destroying one. And Kakashi is just left standing there, bewildered, thoughts running through his mind a thousand miles a minute. And somewhere in the midst of all that chaos of  _father_ and _death_ and _team_ and _mission_ , he makes a decision.

 

...

The kunai is about to impale itself into his flesh. Obito can already imagine the searing pain when a flash of white steps in, accompanied by the scent of blood as the attacker leaps away. Obito stares at Kakashi, the bewildered one this time, and then smiles. Because Kakashi has come for him, for Rin. Because Kakashi decided that it's easier to bear disgrace with someone stood by your side. And this time, should it come to that, he will be the support for Obito that he couldn't be for his father.

 

…

 

They save Rin, in the end. Manage to get her out of her captors' grasp and just narrowly avoid the falling rocks when Kakashi's vision (or rather, the half of it left) goes black with a sharp pain in his head following it. When he awakens, it's to one of his team mates half crushed under a rock (one he should have taken) and the other crying. And it is to the realisation that his team mate, that Obito is going to die, that he finally breaks down. All of the saccharin sweet illusions of power and titles and missions mean nothing to him now in face of this crushing grief and failure. In that moment Kakashi truly knows why his father decided to save his team mates, and he understands.

 

But when Obito offers up his eye, he hesitates. Hesitates because it finalises his death, sets it in stone (and Kakashi tries not to laugh and throw up at the thought). But he's looking up at him with such kindness, such surety, such _loyalty_ that Kakashi concedes. He will take it so that his friend will forever aid him in protecting the village, in protecting what he believes important.

 

So Kakashi takes the eye, takes the burdens of grief and sacrifice with it, and when they lose Obito to the stone, he continues to fight with vigour. It is only when he wakes up next to Minato Sensei that he truly feels weary from the days events. He has never felt so old, so worn. When they return to the village, Kakashi makes his way home alone, once more. Yet this time he goes to the west of the house, to the part that overlooks the garden, to the place where his father ended his life. And he sits there.

 

_He sits there in front of the open doors, eyes closed as the sunset splashes a vibrant red over his eyelids and the warmth that comes with it. Yet the warmth that the will of fire long held has died within him. His shoulders are weighed down with the pressure of failure, of their glares and of his shame. He takes a breath and thinks briefly of what he is leaving behind, and feels guilt cloud his thoughts once more, joining the rest in a tangled heap of emotions. And he realises he is of no use to anyone like this, would only drag them down with him. And he wishes to spare the only dear thing left he has of this. With one final resolute breath, Sakumo picks up the knife and takes his own life, falling from the warm red into an all engulfing black._

 

“ _Forgive me, Kakashi.”_

 

And with time, Kakashi thinks he will.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A snake in the grass, a wolf at the door (by blackkat) has dragged me back into this fandom kicking and screaming, and damn it if Sakumo's story doesn't make me cry. So I decided to make others suffer too :D


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